It's a process.........

WARNING THIS POST IS LONG AND NOT ALWAYS 'PRETTY'! I have been wanting/needing to write this post for sometime and what better a time than.........5 months ago yesterday a brave little boy walked into our lives with NOTHING but the clothes on his back. He held a "man's" hand as he entered the room and met his family. I don't think he knew this man. He recalls that day every once in awhile and says, "Remember when I hold that man's hand and I cry hard and you give me lollipop?" I remember it well!

I love reading adoption blogs! I love the before, the following along on the "in China" journey and then the happily-ever-after when these precious children are home. The pictures are always so happy, in beautiful settings, amongst family members and most often in way too cute clothes(where do you guys find those adorable outfits?) It is heart-warming, kinda like a feel-good Hollywood movie. Our first adoption was pretty much like that. Except for the first day of never-ending crying, 9 month old Jaida adjusted beautifully and within a few weeks we had all bonded and blended. It was super easy! I remember the social worker at our 6 month post placement visit asking us what had been hard about the adoption. We looked at each other and replied,"The plane ride home!" Honestly that was it.

So why not do this again? God spoke to my heart.We prayed. He answered loud and clear...."Do it again." So we did. I read the books on "older" child adoption, asked questions, followed blogs, and thought I was prepared. I knew this child had medical needs, so I prepared myself for the worst. These things haven't been a problem. I knew language was going to be a HUGE issue. I prepared myself for the worst. This was only an issue while in China. He learned English ridiculously fast!!!! I knew he would grieve. I prepared myself for the worst. I can't tell if he grieves? He skips and sings a lot? Mixed in with the yucky behavior of course.

But these past 5 months have been hard. Very hard at times.What I didn't prepare for was the feelings I have. I have shocked myself. I am at times, ashamed of my thoughts and feelings. My selfish and self-centered self assumed this child would be so glad that we "rescued" him from his life as an orphan and embrace us. Instead we have seen a child that is whiny and ungrateful (maybe this is his grieving). A child that acts like he is 1-1/2 instead of 4-1/2. A child that does some weird things socially. This makes him, not so likable. I, and here comes the not so pretty part, don't like him sometimes. This shocks me! My children are everything to me. I adore them. I sometimes feel he is an interruption. As a good friend put it, "A house guest" I want my old life back, where we had our little routine down and everyone functioned as a family, without a guest hanging around. My daily prayers have found me asking God to help me love him. I never prepared for that! But why wouldn't he whine and act up? Why would he be thankful we took him from the only life he ever knew? We disrupted his life just as much as he did ours. So I pray for compassion and patience too. There are moments when his love is real and so is mine. I hold on to those. He runs to me when I pick him up at school. He gets a big smile on his face when I come in to kiss him goodnight. He asks me to hold him. He loves to show me things he has made. It is getting better. I felt so alone and saddened by my thoughts and feelings that I decided to talk to someone. I spoke with our social worker. Of course I cried and of course she had a box of tissues on hand. I told her I felt like a horrible mother. What was wrong with me? She assured me this was all very NORMAL. My feelings, his behavior, the whole kit and caboodle. I like the word normal. She assured me that a year into this it would all feel different. We would feel more like a family. It is a process. A process involves patience. I pray for patience too.I do see forward strides. We are moving ahead. People said his surgery would be a good thing, as far as bonding goes. They were right. I laid in bed with him most of the time. At night when he woke up he would instantly look to make sure I was there. He wanted Will and I right there, even holding Will's hand through the bars on the bed. My heart felt more normal. There was love inside it for him. Before he went into surgery, I thought about the 2 other surgeries he had had before and wondered if anyone was there for him. He had heart surgery at age 2. Did anyone care if he didn't come back? My heart grieved. This tiny little 4 year old with so much of a past, a hard past, that I will never know about was placed by God into our family. There is no mistaking that! God wanted me to be his Mother. He must know I can do it. I would much rather have had the pretty, happily-ever-after ending all wrapped up and handed to me but that is not the way this story is written. It is a process...... and God is teaching me, growing me, holding me up as I learn how to be a great Mommy to this child He created. So those of you out there who are thinking of "older" child (non-infant) adoption, know that it is tough, but it is beautiful too. Those of you who may be feeling these things now, know that you are NORMAL, not horrible. It is a process and the process takes time and that is different for each child and each Mommy. As I look at my new son, I see a child that has experienced more than the rest of us put together, more than any child should have to experience by age 4, but I also see a brave little boy trying to find his way into this new world and new life, fighting it sometimes but embracing it most of the time. So I will continue to pray and continue to ask God to help me and to help him on this journey called................ a process.

Praise the Lord!

Praise God! Xin's surgery went very well! The tubes were inserted in his ears and then the palate repair lasted about 2 hours. Shorter than we had expected. We were called back to the recovery room and our short stint in "*ell" began. They said he may act odd coming off the anesthesia and that did not even begin to describe our mighty ball of anger/attitude/rage. All 37 lbs of him were fighting with all his might to get the tubes out, string out of his tongue and to just "Go home", in his words. He kicked, thrashed, yelled, "I don't like this! I want to go home!" over and over and preceded to try to walk right out of there. He manged to pull his IV out and blood went everywhere. This is when I wanted to GO HOME and could have just walked right on out. But then I would have left my poor husband with this thrashing child and blood all over himself. So I did what any good Mommy would do, I asked for the anesthesiologist and told him/begged him to please give him something, aka"drugs". He did give him 2 doses of "something" to calm him down and eventually he looked up at Will and held his arms up. Will held him on his lap and he fell asleep. From that point on he was a dream patient! We were sent home early Friday morning. He is eating, drinking, playing and even got upset yesterday because I wouldn't let him ride his bike! We can tell a difference already in his speech. The nasal sound is less and his "B's" and similar sounds are said more thru his mouth and not his nose. We have a lot of speech ahead of us but the "broken" palate seems to be fixed! It really could not have gone better. We are very thankful!!!

Please pray for our friends little girl, Cynthia, she had surgery Friday and her recovery has been a little tougher. She came home a month before Xin and is 2 years old. Thanks for the prayers and concern they were very much appreciated and felt!

Ponte Vedra Beach and Prayers

We like to head to our favorite beach one last time while the weather is still warm. This Labor Day weekend we did just that. We had a wonderful time playing, making sand castles, boogie boarding, skim boarding, swimming, running, eating, sleeping, reading, finding shells, sharks teeth and sea glass,spending time together as a family and just soaking in the joys of being on vacation.

We are back to reality now and unfortunately a hard week ahead. Xin has surgery Thursday to repair the muscle in his soft palate so that he can speak better and not so "nasally". If you think about him Thursday please pray. The surgery has a 75% chance of "working". His surgeon is wonderful so we are very thankful for that. We have never had a child under anesthesia so this is a scary day for us. I am so sorry this poor little fella has to go through yet another surgery and I also can't help but think of the 2 previous surgeries he endured alone...without a family there for him. I don't want to see him go through this pain that I know lies ahead. However, he is an "old pro" at it even if we aren't! Bless his sweet little heart. We are so glad we had such a wonderful time at the beach and that he just relished in the fun. We will hold on to those thoughts as we go through the next couple of days at the hospital.

Weekend of Soccer

Because so much of our time lately seems to have been taken up by the TK's-Teeny Kids, this post is ONLY about the BK's-big kids! We had our first tournament of the soccer season this past weekend. It was in Aiken SC and is put on by the Bulls Soccer Club, which is the club Julia and Sam play on. We had a very jam-packed weekend with LOTS of soccer-going from 8:00am Saturday morning to our last game starting at 4:30 Sunday afernoon. Both teams, the U13 girls and the U9 boys did fantastic! Julia's team won their U13 division and Sam's team won runner-up for the U9 boys division! We all came home with medals!!!!! Somehow that seems to make all the blood, sweat and yes, some tears, worth it! GO BULLS!!!!!!! Good job everybody!

We are still here!

I just realized it has been several weeks since I posted last! We have been doing some more "adjusting" to life as a family of 6, homeschooling in full swing, soccer in full swing, building a pool-finished but lacking landscaping so lots of sweeping and mopping of the floor, having friends over to celebrate the end of summer, and just "life". I hope to get back to "blogging" soon!

Where did the summer go?

Why is it that summer just zooms by? Well actually time itself just seems to fly by these days. School starts ridiculously early around here and even though we home school the TK's (teeny kids) do go to preschool. I love this program that is 1 mile from my house. Honestly, I need the break from my precious little people(is that terrible of me to say), my BK's (big kids) need a break from the TK's and they need a break from each other. So off they went to preschool today. I originally had them in 2 days a week in the same class. I quickly switched that upon arriving home from China..... they now go 3 days a week and to separate classes. Jaida is in pre-k3 and Xin pre-k4. I was worried how Xin would do without his Mei Mei but he did great. He relies so much on her, almost as if they are twins and I truly think he needs to establish his own identity. Julia and Sam started today too and we think we are really going to like our curriculum this year, at least after day 1 all is well. They said they LOVED their teacher-aka Mommy, she was AWESOME!!!! I/we truly love homeschooling and hope that it continues to work for us. Julia started 7th grade and Sam 3rd. It is such a joy to share my day with them. The TK's are going to have their own little workbooks and they are so excited about doing them with the BK's! Let's hope that enthusiasm remains!!!!! Here are a few pics from today, note the lovely garage backdrop in the one photo. I was in a hurry and had forgotten to get the shot of the 2 together. Oh well, the faces are too darn cute!!!!!

China Friends Reunion

As Jaida calls them, we had our 3 year reunion with her "China Friends". This is the fabulous group of people we traveled with 3 years ago to get Jaida. There were 9 families total. Two families brought other children and there were also 3 sets of grandparents. It was truly a remarkable group of people. We shared a huge life changing event with these folks and thankfully we have all stayed in touch and each year since have had at least 6 of the 9 families at our reunions. Year 1 was in Texas, year 2 here in Augusta and this year we went to Orlando. We stayed at the Nickelodeon Hotel and had a ball. Our family visited Disney's Magic Kingdom on Friday and then the rest of the weekend we visited with each other. The girls are all so precious and it is such fun to watch them together. They all will turn 4 this year. Here are a few pictures, well ALOT, that captured this sweet time. Thank you Josh and Heather for putting together this year's reunion....it was WONDERFUL!