He is enough!

I have had some heavy posts over the past couple of weeks but recently I have sprinkled in some light fun stuff. Sorry, I am going back to some deep stuff here now. If you come to read the light, fun stuff than feel free to skip this post. And some of you may read this and think "religious kook" but that is ok, I rather like that term and it is my blog so here goes......

Last August when we got the news my husband was not going to be employed as of Sept. 15th, my world was rocked! I cried, I screamed, I threw some pretty good tantrums, I got mad, I was disillusioned, I withdrew, I was hurt.... ok, ok you get the picture. I met with God and I knew He had something planned but I didn't like it and I told Him so. From the very beginning I felt as if He wanted me to learn that He and He alone was enough. He is supposed to be our sufficiency. My head knew that and I prayed my heart would learn that too because I truly wanted to learn that. But oh that is hard! "God", I said, "We live in a world where you have to have a job and money and a house and food and health insurance and a car and blah blah blah blah blah!" Yes, this is true, very true. But the message still was "I know your needs but I want you to only want me, to be filled up entirely by me." I prayed about this, I continued to struggle with this, knowing all along in my head it was true but I wanted my heart to feel it too!

I began to slowly let go of "things", I could feel myself reluctantly letting go. The one thing I felt I was clinging tightly to was my house. I love my house! Let me rephrase that, my HOME. We live in a  nice home that comfortably fits all 7 of us in a very safe and protected neighborhood. A true blessing! We have a very low mortgage on this home because my accountant husband is just good at that kind of thing and because we do try to live as debt free as possible. We do NOT live beyond our means. Another true blessing. We designed and built the house, from every little knob, door, beam, window. It is an expression of us. In a way it feeds my soul, not like God does but in a different way. I guess because I designed it to fit us and the things we like and do. And we have memories here. Lots and lots of great memories. We have handprints in concrete, marks on doorways showing children's growth, things my dad has built for the kids, and to borrow from Miranda Lambert's song "my favorite dog is buried in the yard." I can't tell you how many people have asked us during this time of unemployment if we were going to lose our house or have to sell it. Shocks me-on so many levels! And I have to say this irritated me as well-on so many levels. I felt myself clinging even tighter to my house when people asked this...out of pride I am sure. Another quality God does not want us to have. So you see I still had far to go on this "God is truly enough" scenario.

Months before my husband's job loss I was reading a book "Kisses from Katie". This is an amazing book if you haven't read it. Quick synopsis...Katie was 18 when she went on a short term trip to Africa and she ended up staying, skipping college, adopting 14 little girls and starting a school and feeding center for hundreds... as a 19 year old. She saw such pure joy in the hearts of these people that have nothing. And such generosity. She said she felt it came from the fact that they have nothing and so they have to rely on God to fill them up. I told Will I was jealous of those people as they get to experience God in a way we in upper-middle class America never will. Oh gosh! Maybe I shouldn't have said that.... as God then "blessed" us with an "interesting" scenario - no job! Now, please don't think I am equating our circumstance to those who live in utter poverty. We are STILL blessed beyond measure. But for the first time in my life I had no paycheck to rely on. And just what if all my "stuff", including my home were gone? Would I praise God, be joyful, generous and filled up by Him alone? I would like to say the answer to this would be yes, but sadly I knew it would be no.

He and I went to some deep, hard places over this past year. It wasn't pretty or fun. But it was good. I found Him on a much deeper level and I would not trade that experience. In fact, still jobless, I can honestly say I have thanked Him for this past year. I have honestly come to a place of peace, even though we are nearing 12 months and still have no job. Weird, huh? Its that "peace that passes understanding" thing and it is a much better place to be than that raving, frantic lunatic of 12 months ago.

While in China, I experienced the final transformation I feel He was leading me to all along. China is a hard place to travel to. I have always longed for home each time I have been. This time however, it was different. While I did miss some creature comforts and at times wanted to be seaside reading a good book , if I thought long and hard about it,  I did not TRULY want to come home. I missed my family terribly though.  I wish they could have just been shipped over-he he. The inconveniences bothered me to some degree but not like the other times. Why? Because I experienced Jesus like never before. I wish my words here could fully express this. It was beautiful. I found Him in the poverty, nothingness, pain, loneliness. He filled me up. HE FILLED ME UP! He was enough. He had showed me slowly and patiently over the past year that He could fill my deepest passion and desire...to long for Him and Him alone. I didn't want to go back to my land of plenty because we don't see Him as He is covered up by all our "things" and because we don't think we need Him. We don't need Him in our plentiful state. These little orphaned kids need Him and I felt Him, "saw" Him and "heard" Him....like never before. I told Will, if this earthly glimpse of Him filled me up, what must heaven be like? When we get to experience His full glory and commune with, and worship Him every moment? I wanted to stay there among them and serve them and be His hands and feet and experience more of Him. It was filling.

So I am home now. I am in my home that I love. Hmmmmm, what now? As I was running, the song by Mercy Me came on " I Can Only Imagine"  and it spoke to me...God often speaks to me when I run, guess He knows I need the motivation-Ha! here are the words:

"I Can Only Imagine"

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

[Chorus]

I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

Wow! That is what my "glimpse" of Him felt like. I was instantly filled up with Him again. I am home, but my much loved home has lost its luster. I still think it is nice, but I would give it up for Him now. If He wants it, if we have to move, if we have to sell it, or heaven forbid if we lose it.....it is ok, because He is enough. He is far better than these walls, and door knobs and beams. Memories can be made anywhere we all are. He has shown me how it feels to be filled up with Him and I want to live my life like that. I don't want to forget this experience in my land of plenty. How do I hold onto that? Do I have to move to a land of nothing? Do I have to be among those who have nothing? I don't know the answer. What I do know is that being filled with Him is so much richer than being filled with the things of this world. He is enough. He is enough.......I wonder what the next lesson He has for me will be? I still have so much to learn! I share all of this with you because I want as many people as possible to experience Him in this way. If you could have been a fly on the wall over this past year and seen the very low state I was in, the lowest point I have been in my life I think, you would not have thought it possible for this revelation. To know my soul now and how truly I sing His greatness, it is transformation only HE could have done...and I want you to know it too. Hopefully, it will not require you to get to the valley I occupied, but if it does, do not despair, cling to Him, He will restore you to a new and greater depth and you too will sing His praises!

Babies are Beijing Bound!!!!!

We found out last night that the heart babies, Charlotte and Sarah, are headed to Beijing next week! 

They will be receiving care and surgery at New Hope, affiliated with Show Hope.

 A big huge shout out to Megan Konyn, who is only 18, for following her heart and not giving up on getting these babies the help they so needed.

 What an amazing girl she is! So blessed God placed her in my life!

Please continue to pray for these babies...for God to sustain them, for details to fall into place, for safe travel and uneventful travel...it is a long 8 hr train ride, for healing, for angels of God to be placed in their lives to love, nurture and care for them before, during and after surgery, for doctors' wisdom and steady hands, for complete healing and for adoption into a family where they can grow up into the people God created them to be.

I was giddy with joy last night! Tears, rejoicing and praising!

How great our God who holds these precious little ones in His mighty and loving hands!

We will most likely be trying to help with funds for their care. Any and all amounts will be welcomed!

God you are so great! You moved the mountains and we give thanks and praise!

Megan, Julia and I just "may" have to take a trip to Beijing to give some love to these girls! Oh gosh, someone please adopt them or I will....oh my!

Do you see something missing??????

Yes, my baby lost her front tooth! 

I think this is almost a right of passage from "babyhood" or "little kid" status to "middle kid".

Little teeth=little kid

Big teeth=bigger kid

It actually makes me teary. 

She is growing up too fast!

But the gap in front sure is cute while it lasts!

And the slushy sounding speech is priceless!

"I GOT IT!"

This was the text I received from my big girl yesterday!

Accompanied by this picture.....

Yes, that is her Learner's Permit!

I had tears when I saw this.....not sure if they were tears of joy because she was so anticipating this day or because now she will be behind the wheel of a car and I am just not ready for that!

Maybe the diaper stage isn't so bad after all!

Heaven help me!

A new era of prayers begin!!!!

Celebrating 6 Years with our Jaida Ruth

Six years ago today Ning Fei Fei became Jaida Ruth Hatcher. And our world was forever changed. What a joy this child is! She was the catalyst to adopting 2 more China babies and developing a heart for the orphan in all of us. I can't imagine our family without her. I love this beautiful little girl with all my heart. I am so blessed to be her mother!

We celebrated today with donuts, family time in the pool and delicious cupcakes! What a great day we had just being together. Happy Forever Family Day #6 Jaida! We love you so very much!

Random Thoughts as I re-enter Life at Home

As I step back into life in suburban America as a housewife and mother of 5, I am struggling to wrap my brain around all I saw, heard, felt and learned over the past 15 days in China. So below are just random thoughts in no particular order of importance but yet thoughts I want to share or record for my own recollection:

Jet-lag is killer every time..WOW....kicks my rear end each and every time-even my face was tired last nite! Don't ask.....

I look at my Chinese children and thank God they are here

I am not sure I ever want these 3 to know what their lives would have been like...it is so deeply troubling, maybe one day when they are much older  and more deeply rooted in their security

It is hard for me to look at them as the orphans they once were...I can't picture them there at all..isn't that how God pictures us.... Rescued and treasured children?

I miss those dirty little faces in Chenzhou so very much and I wonder what they are doing. Are they looking out the window for us or waiting in the hall like they did each morning?

I have never felt Jesus closer than when I was among these little forgotten people. My heart ached a deep and painful ache but my husband reminded me that Jesus walked this earth and saw the forgotten and felt that ache too. He is so very present in those places of destitute.

What do I do now? How do I help...the needs are so big?

How do I tell people? Words don't do it justice.

I check my email every few minutes to see if there is word of Charlotte and Sarah, the heart babies, being transferred to Beijing for surgery. I wish I could go to Beijing and be their Mommy and sit by their beds and hold them when they are afraid or in pain during their hospital stay. Who will do that for them? A stranger I am sure.

Why am I so blessed? Why do I have so much? Others have so little. I don't like that. It doesn't seem right.

One of the biggest struggles for me while there was getting over the odor of the kids. I am a little embarrassed to say that. It seems so trivial and shallow but it was hard for me. By the end of the day we smelled like they did because we held them and hugged them, got drooled on, peed on, and pooped on. My luke-warm shower each night was a welcomed treat.

Their shoes were pitiful. They were "jelly" sandals in rainbow pastel colors for both sexes. They were all broken and hard to walk in. Our family must have 100-150 pair of shoes between us. That sickens me.

The staff at the orphanage truly loves and cares for those kids. They do the best they can with what little they have. They work very hard at a very hard job.

I had to go to the grocery store and Target when I got home. I love Target. But when I stepped in after arriving home, I almost turned and ran out. All the stuff we think we "need" to buy was staring me in the face. We don't "need" any of it. Yet I will fall back into that trap. God please spare me from this trap!

I missed my creature comforts while in China but now that I am home I can't seem to enjoy them.

A good friend of mine said "You need more prayer AFTER a mission trip than before or during." She is so right.

Did how we loved reflect Him? Did we plant seeds of wonder? Will those seeds take root in hearts and grow into a relationship with the Savior?

We sang the song "You are Holy" during the goodbye party on Friday. Our leader printed the words in Mandarin for them. As I sang and fought back the tears, I looked out among the faces and saw them smiling and trying to follow along. I felt Him there.

As a mom to 5 busy kids, I have so many little details to take care of for school, activities, healthcare, etc. the things of our family life that we put such importance on. I find these things so trivial now. I know they are not, because these things are what make up "us" and they are all important but how do I come back to this life and make soccer carpools important when I know little Angelina, my cleft baby, needs to gain weight but struggles because she doesn't have a cleft bottle and someone to burp her while she eats?

I told Will we need to move there. Then I changed that and said we need to move to Hong Kong, a little more westernized :), and travel to Chenzhou by train weekly to care for and serve them.

I do love China......with all its flaws. When we touched down that rainy night in Beijing and I saw the Chinese characters everywhere and the dirt that is China, and the smells, my heart skipped a beat. I grabbed Julia and said, "We are in China again!" A part of my heart will always remain in that vast land, birth home to 3 of my babies.

I wish I could win the lottery or I had that illusive money tree in the backyard my parents always claimed was NOT there. I have a list, miles long, that I would do with the money.

Travel there is just so long! There is no easy or quick way to get there. It is hard. It is tiring. It is EXPENSIVE!!!

As guilty as I feel about this next statement, it is true....I long to fly there and back Business or First Class. As I pull my carry on through those long narrow aisles of the plane and pass by First  or Business Class  with their wide, comfy, fully reclining seats and puffy blankets and large pillows, drinks awaiting your arrival I want to stop and plop myself down. Instead, I continue my journey to the way back of the plane with its SMALL, hard, cramped seats meant for people under 4 feet tall, thin blanket, tiny pillow, and 4 inch recline. UGH! I am miserable 5 minutes into it.

I am terrible with chopsticks. How do they do it???

Some of the kids are dropped off at the orphanage or abandoned elsewhere nearby not at birth. How? Don't the neighbors and family members notice that a kid is missing and question? I feel certain my friends and neighbors would ask where my children disappeared to? I realize some are abandoned because they are in need of medical care and the family can't afford it. This is their best chance to get their child the care that is needed. This is so sad to me. Little Charlotte's mom breast fed her and cared for her for months. Her heart condition probably didn't come into play until she started turning blue. Then she left her there. My heart breaks to think she had no choice. What about the 8 year old healthy boy who is so "normal"? He is smart and funny and educated. What happened? Why did they abandon him? Did they die? His grandfather came to get him but returned him to the orphanage because he couldn't care for him. ????? So hard to understand. Please know I ask all this without judgement. I ask with lack of knowledge or understanding. And in deep sadness.

I was so impressed with the young girls that went on this trip. What amazing hearts these girls have at such a young age. I wish I had had a heart like that back then.

I am just so darn tired!

We had really, really good food.

I didn't realize how mountainous China is. In flying over and riding through it by train, we got to see a large portion of the country.

I will always be an adoption advocate, but being there I learned that many of the orphans are not eligible for adoption and many are so severely special needs they will not be adopted. So I will now be an advocate for those children too. How can I  help to make their lives better and encourage others to do the same?

I loved sharing this experience with my daughter. I loved seeing her heart and passion for the kids. I loved how she realized what is truly important.

I understand my adopted son and his behaviors better. In him, I see the kids at Chenzhou and their behaviors. I have "known" of course that he lived in an orphanage for 4 years and I have used that as an explanation for his behavior and personality but I guess I didn't truly get it. There is almost an uncivilized quality to them and to him. The "rules of life", you know those unspoken ingrained from birth rules, just are not present in an orphanage. He is still in the process of learning to live by these "rules of life" and now I know why because I have seen it first hand. I pray this gives me more patience with him.

There is a survival of the fittest mentality in an orphanage. There are those who are weak and those who are aggressive. It is so hard to watch. It is so hard to see an aggressive kid take a toy or a food item from a weaker child. When we were there we could help those that were weaker...but what now? Who will defend them?

My son would have been one of the weaker ones. That is heartbreaking. What did he endure? Again, I hope and pray this gives me new perspective to parent him.

I am so thankful for a husband that played Mr. Mom for 15 days while I was gone. He was such an encourager of this trip. It made leaving a little easier. Thank you Will....I love you!

I am grateful to grandparents and friends who helped out as well. You are appreciated and loved!

I am thankful for my 11 going on 35 year old son Sam who was the right-hand man during our absence. You did a great job buddy and I love you so much!

I am so glad I have seen this first hand. I wish everyone could see. I know it is not comfortable. I had such angst about this trip as I knew it was not going to be easy. In fact, He whispered to me it was going to be down right hard! Who wants to pay thousands of dollars and spend 2 weeks of vacation time to go someplace where there are uncomfortable conditions, you smell, get hit or bitten, possibly get sick or have stomach issues and most of all have your heart hurt with a deep and troubling pain? I bet that description on a brochure would sell alot of tickets! But what a better world we would all live in if everybody went and everybody saw. It changes you for the better.

How do I hold onto these lessons I have learned? How do I make the changes in my life now that I am back? It would be so easy to just slip back into this world of upper-middle class America...but I don't want to. I can't. I feel as if I would be betraying my friends at Chenzhou. I can't forget them. I can't fulfill my selfish wants and leave them with real needs. So I pray He doesn't let me forget and I pray He gives me the strength to fight for them and all the other 147million like them in the world. I pray I can have the faith to trust in Him to lead and to guide me on this journey.

 

Happy 15th Birthday Julia!

Julia celebrated her 15th birthday with 26 hours of travel. She had a 36 hour birthday because of the time difference. She also was in 3 different countries on her birthday, China, Japan and the USA. She noted that she also flew over Canada. We were so wiped out by the time we landed in Columbia at 5:15pm but the family was there to greet us with signs and all!What a fabulous welcome! Oh how I missed them!!!! We then headed to dinner to celebrate at a Mexican restaurant in Columbia. When we got home they had decorations, a cake-homemade, cards and gifts. Way to go Daddy and Sam!!!!

After this Julia and I crawled upstairs, showered and collapsed into bed! We had been up for 30 hours straight at this point. Happy to be home!

I love this first born of mine! What a blessing to be her mother. 15 years ago when I gave birth to this treasure, I would never have guessed I would celebrate her 15th birthday with her in China. What a splendid path He has led us down! Thank you Lord for Julia and all that she means to us. I can't wait to see what He has planned for her life. I know this trip was hard for her and alot to take in at just 14 but what an amazing experience He will use to shape her life. I am so proud of my daughter. She loved big and hard and rolled with the punches dealt us over the last 15 days. God bless my sweet girl! I love so very much!

******Please read below posts for more of Chenzhou!******